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Tuesday, January 17, 2006 

Financial Planning Based On Eroding Dogma
City of Man

It seems that besides rereading the person of Judas, the Roman church is also considering its doctrine concerning limbo, the place babies go who aren't baptized. As Pope Benedict XVI seeks to shore up doctrinal positions and reinforce its position on abortion, this peculiar doctrine looks to meet the proverbial chopping block.

It was understood, in contrast to a seemingly harsh medieval view, that babies who were unbaptized before death went to this metaphysical place outside of heaven where they experienced perpetual bliss, albeit not actually in the presence of God (immediate questions of omnipresence spring up, but... whatever... stinking Aristotelians/Thomists). Previously, any unbaptized infant still had the "stain of Original Sin," and was therefore unable to enter heaven and was condemned to punishment in Hell (where God was also, apparently, not). Thus the doctrine of limbo had an understandably comforting effect on bereft mothers and families.

But this may all change. According to John Haldane, a professor of philosophy at St Andrews University and a consulter consultant to the Vatican's Pontifical Council for Culture,
"The idea of limbo conjures up the image of God as some kind of government bureaucrat who says to people, not just babies, 'Sorry, you don't have your passport stamped with baptism, you'll have to wait over there'.

"Instead, God's powers are such that He can overcome the issue of Original Sin as He chooses, according to special circumstances."
Here's where the financial aspect comes in.

While the Romish church wrangles about the finer theological points, what is basically happening here is metaphysical eviction/abdication. Limbo is just on the outskirts of heaven. That is, it is a metaphysical place. In fact, limbo comes from the Latin limbus, which means "hem" or "edge." So limbo is on the edge of heaven. With Rome giving up on limbo, it is basically free metaphysical property just begging to be snatched up.

Here's where I come in. blund media inc. will, for a small fee, of course, lobby the Vatican herself to follow through on the proposal to get rid of the doctrine of limbo, effectively canceling Rome's lease on the metaphysical boundaried area. With no landlord or squatters, and thankfully there are definitely no theological takers in the West (we would of course have to research to see if any Buddhists have managed to tiddly wink the space into one of their nirvanas), the land would be prime for quartering and auctioning off to the highest bidder.

Think how easy a sell this would be. Imagine beautiful, laser-quality color flyers, with the headline, "Got an eternity? Spend it on The Edge!" or "Need to get away from all those streets of gold, pearly gates, and Mansion Plaza? Own your own plaza on the coast of the void! Go with The Edge!" I hope you see the endless advantages. No doubt there will thousands of white, upper-middle class Americans nervous of the thought spending eternity with certain people, with no chance to get away from them from time to time. A vacation home on The Edge is just thing for these sort of people. Interested? Email blund media inc.

For those entrepreneurs who may think they are witnessing the next dot com craze and hope to beat me at my own game, think again. Basically there are thousands of years worth of deceased, unbaptized babies' souls in limbo, and you think you know what to do with them? Unless you're willing to deal with that metaphysical nightmare, don't come near my eschatological fortune. I found limbo first. This is my ethereal real estate boom. Remember folks, you can only get this deal through blund media inc. Give us a call.

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Transplanted from the artic blight of Minnesota to the sunny paradise of SoCal, I am attending school and learning to say "dude." I like to think of myself as equal parts surf rash, Batman, heavy metal, Levinas, poetic license, and reformational. Other than creating blund blogs, I enjoy reading, sporting, and socializing with serious and funny people.
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